Let me sell you spoiled food and then treat you like shit.

The family wanted burgers tonight. My daughter wanted “Riverside” style bacon burgers in which you ball up ground beef and cook it in a bit of bacon fat, flattening it out with the back of the spatula. Unfortunately, I got caught late at work, and then had to visit the Dollar Store, and then stop at the grocery store – Giant was the closest store in that part of town.

it was getting late, and I was tired. I had spent a better portion of the day designing the cover of my magazine, and I was kind of wiped out. So, I opted to buy a pack of Giant brand 1.4 pound frozen hamburger patties.

I almost bought a different brand. It was a dollar cheaper, but only had eight patties as opposed to the Giant brand’s 12 patties. I opted to spend the extra buck and get 4 more burgers out of it.

I got home, started frying bacon, and had hubby fire up the grill. When I had 8 bacon slices fried up, he exclaimed that the grill was ready, and proceeded to open the pack of Giant hamburger patties. Then I heard him say, “Does this look right to you?”

Now, you have to understand. My husband is a food-phobic. Everything has to be cooked well done (burnt beyond recognition). He wants to throw out food left in the fridge for 18 hours…”it’s bad! it’s bad!” So I turned to look at the burgers with a skeptical eye, expecting to see a tiny bit of frost on the corner of one patty.

He was holding up a wad of 5 burgers. 3 of them were totally encrusted in ice. 4 of them were a sickening shade of brown. One, ice free, was a normal color. My heart sank. I got a bad batch of burgers. Fuck. Here my daughter was already pissed I was not making the burgers with fresh ground meat, and now the frozen burgers were ecoli hockey pucks.

I did have full package of turkey burgers in the freezer. I tend to use those because they are lower in fat, but you can taste the difference. I asked my eldest if she wanted to try one, but she was so mad that she just slunked down low in the computer chair and said “NO!” while feverishly harvesting crops in Farmville.

Hubby went out to cook his turkey burgers and a few hot dogs, and I gently coaxed daughter #1 to try a turkey burger. I told her I’d cover it in bacon and onion and to be a sport and give it a try. She agreed. Sullenly.

The result? She LIKED it! Hooray! She even ate the spare turkey burger (you always have to make a spare) but didn’t eat it all because daddy had used all the bacon and she discovered that the turkey burger was NOT as good without bacon.

Hint. We are not in the same universe as vegans.

I will return these funky, foul and fermented burgers tomorrow morning. I will want to go off on them. I want to let them know that because they let bad, contaminated food slip past the radar, my evening was ruined. I want them to give me my money back PLUS a $20 gift card. I was inconvenienced. Big time.

The last time this happened – yes I have bought bad food at this same Giant before – the customer no-service worker treated me like I was a fly in her grits. No apology. No warmth. Just a mechanical completion of her duties and the money back in my hand. If I get that same treatment tomorrow I will ask for a manager, and I will demand more.

I may have to pick a fight tomorrow morning.

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