Pass the gas masks, please

I have been working at my current office since July of last year, and in all that time I have managed to avoid performing one basic bodily function. To put it delicately, I have only tinkled in the ladies room. I have never done that other function. The business that comes after #1.

Does this confession amaze you? How is it possible? I’ll tell you how. My office bathroom is gross. It’s a dank, stone-walled dungeon of a room. It has two stalls, and both toilets are barely attached to the floor – they shake and rattle and tilt. There are no waste baskets for that delicate woman’s time, so you are forced to flush everything down the toilet. And it smells like a basement after a hard rain.

And that stale smell is like Chanel No. 5 compared to the aroma that assaults my nostrils at other times. When one of my co-workers drops a load it is utterly offensive to walk into the bathroom. There is no ventilation, no Airwick spray, hell there isn’t even a Stick Up on the wall. Nothing. Only time can heal the wounds no one can see.

There is no way I ever want to be responsible for creating a funk of that magnitude in our bathroom. It is a secret fact that I take pride in. I fear that one day I’ll be forced into an emergency evacuation, and no amount of courtesy flushing will be able to mask my true intention for entering the lavatory. And I won’t be able to exit the bathroom without detection.

I don’t EVER want to be leaving the bathroom while someone else is entering if I have left that room  contaminated. Even at home I will use a far off bathroom or go when nobody else is awake or at home to avoid being fingered a pollutant. Worse still is when the bathroom stinks from some earlier assault, and a co-worker walks in while I’m exiting the stall. Then it looks as if I am the evil stinkifier.

I know there is one girl at my office that routinely takes a doot at work, and she leaves the bathroom uninhabitable for a long stretch of time. There have been occasions where we have been in the women’s room at the same time, and I while chatting through the stall, I have heard a plop.

WTF??? Who does that? I would need to be in prison before I could go #2 in front of someone.

We will see how long I can make this no dumping streak last. I think as long as I don’t get any stomach illnesses, I should be ok.